Defusing Stress: A Quick Course

The necessary tools for defusing stress

The tools you can most efficiently use to improve your relationships are the communication skills that reflect emotional intelligence—such as staying focused, using empathy, listening carefully, and managing your emotions.

Sounds pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, knowing which skills are needed for defusing stress doesn’t always translate to successfully using them, for most people. This is because emotionally intelligent communication skills are linked to the emotional centers of the brain and, therefore, require more than knowledge and motivation to be effective.

Without this knowledge and ability, your communication with others—and your relationships—will consistently be derailed. This is because when your stress levels and emotions are out of control, they will always override the intentional thinking parts of your brain.

Defusing Stress is the first half of a quick course for acquiring skills that link to the emotional centers of the brain. In Defusing Stress, you will acquire tools for managing and reducing your stress. By learning to control your stress response, you can effectively incorporate emotional intelligence into your communication process as well as your relationships.

The results of chronic stress

Stress, for many people, is an everyday thing—it has become a way of life. When you suffer from chronic stress, this causes parts of your nervous system to become imbalanced. Not only do physical symptoms such as high blood pressure start popping up, but this imbalance also interferes with your ability to think clearly and creatively, or to act in emotionally intelligent ways.

Stress can cause nervous system upsets and communication problems:

• One person’s stress-induced upset can easily trigger another’s upset—leading to a communication disconnect.
• When you are overwhelmed by stress, your ability to pay attention to others—and to yourself—is greatly compromised.
• Stress can reawaken negative memories from past relationships, adding to the upset of the moment.

Our nervous systems react differently to stressful situations. No two of us are likely to react in exactly the same way. In describing stress responses, Dr. Connie Lillas, a Los Angeles child development expert, uses the analogy of driving a car.

Foot on the Gas (Overwhelmed)	Driver exhibits heated, angry, in-your-face response, is agitated, and can’t sit still. Many of us react to stress by becoming angry and agitated. We want to act, sometimes impulsively. The energy here is analogues to the “fight” response.
Foot on the Brake (Under whelmed)	Driver seems shut down, spaced-out, withdrawn—showing little energy oremotion. Other individuals react to stress by emotionally turning away from it. This is the “flight” response. Such individuals may seem restless, withdrawn, or zoned-out, and their stress reactions may seem minimally responsive though internally this is not the case.
Foot on the Gas and the Brake (Frozen)	Driver is tense and still; eyebrows raised, eyes wide open, shoulders tight and lifted; frozen; can’t get going and can’t accomplish anything.Some individuals have frightening overwhelming experiences that wire their nervous systems to “freeze” when challenged by stress. Their stress responses are especially complex and contradictory. They may look paralyzed but are racing within.

Stressful situations rarely send out advance warnings. When you’re tired and irritated, and run into a confrontation with an equally stressed-out loved one or colleague, there’s no “pause” button you can push in order to think things through at your leisure. Successful communication requires that you be able to do something in a hurry to calm down, get energized, and focus yourself. This means you need to be able to recognize stress.

Recognizing stress helps relationships

How can you help your relationship simply by recognizing stress? By identifying and acknowledging your stress, you can act quickly to bring yourself back into emotional balance and reduce your stress level.When stress first hits you, you may notice your typical stress response pattern kicking in - you may become angry and agitated, or withdrawn, or sink into emotional paralysis. At this point, there’s likely no time for a long, soothing bath or meditation. When you feel yourself stressing out, that’s the time to immediately use the right kind of sensory input to soothe, comfort, and invigorate yourself right there on the spot!

Staying alert to your stress symptoms will help you take action to calm yourself at home and at work. You can learn to create stress-defusing, sensory-rich environments everywhere: in your car, in your office—wherever you spend time. These stress relief activities should be enjoyable, and may improve not only your relationships but your health and well-being as well.

Stress overload: stop before you act

Are there times in a relationship when it is best to wait before acting? Relationships can be easily damaged by stress overload in either of the participants. When stress hits you, what is your response? Internally, does your foot go “on the gas” or “on the brake”? Are you overwhelmed to the point that you feel out of control? If so, before dealing with others, you need to stop and wait until you steer yourself back into balance. As you learn how to defuse stress, you’ll master these principles.

Two Principles for Improving Relationships
Principle #1: Recognize stress-related imbalances in yourself.	Recognizing imbalances in yourself will help you know when to take pause and reassess, as well as making it much easier to recognize imbalance in others.
Principle #2: Wait until your balance is restored before attempting any sort of communication.	Trying to communicate while you are unbalancedis likelyto make matters worse.

Now, let’s explore ways to use your body’s senses to rebalance your nervous system and defuse stress.

Sensory input and stress

What do your senses have to do with stress? Stimulation of any of the basic five senses, plus the sense of movement, has an impact on the nervous system. You can use specific kinds of sensory stimulation to defuse your stress—like using a fire extinguisher on a blazing pile of leaves. You can carry out such sensory interventions using any of your senses: sight, hearing, smell, touch, movement and taste.

Listed below are several sensory activities which may help you reduce stress. Explore the activities, taking the time to enjoy yourself and to discover what works best for you. Begin with those that appeal most, and look for sensory stimulants that:

• Both relax and energize you—that simultaneously help you feel flexible, at ease, safe,and alert
• Have immediate impacts—that bring instantaneous and positive responses
• Are enjoyable—that bring a smile to your face and a warmth in your heart
• Are dependable—that consistently help you feel more in control
• Are available—that are at hand or easily accessible

Try the following sensory activities in any order you wish, ideally when you are not concerned about being interrupted.

Sights

Surround yourself with images that make you feel wonderful.

• Immerse yourself in colors that delight—color your walls with a hue that lifts your spirits.
• Nurture through nature—focusing on greenery can have a calming and lifting effect.
• Decorate with photos of loved ones or scenes from nature that soothe you. Put up posters or magazine photos and illustrations that are beautiful, funny, and delightful.
• Create small “altars”and decorate them with mementos you find in nature.

Sounds

Experiment to discover sounds that you find renewing, supportive, and sustaining.

• Listen to nature’s call—the sounds of breezes, rain, the surf, babbling brooks, bird calls, and forest wildlife.
• Experiment with vocal sounds, from grand opera to country twang.
• Find a lift in gospel or religious music.
• Lend an ear to instrumental music—orchestral, ensembles, and solos. 
• Notice which sounds are uplifting and energizing to you and save them on a player that you can use with earphones.

Smells

Surround yourself with scents to calm you or energize you. Some common calming and energizing scents include: lavender, mint, chamomile, rose, jasmine, eucalyptus, sage, basil, rosemary, and ginger.

Soothing scents come in a variety of forms:

• Candles
• Incense and potpourri
• Fresh flowers
• Perfumes
• Scent inhalers

Touch

Play with tactile sensations that relax and renew you.

• Wear materials that feel soft and comforting next to your body. Try silk, 100% cotton or other smooth and light fabrics.
• Indulge your need to feel cooler or warmer. If it’s hot, keep a cooling spray or fan handy; if you are chilly, wrap something warm around your neck.
• Lightly stroke your face and arms.
• Wash your face with cool or warm water.

Movement

Get a move on and get comfortable in your own space. Feel your muscles and tendons as you engage in some form of freeing movement.

• Stamp your feet, jump up & down
• Run in place—or around the room
• Stretch—arching your neck and back if you can
• Dance around—inventing new steps or repeating old ones
• Roll your head—circling your head in one direction, then the other
• Tap your head lightly with your fingertips
• Massage yourself—a hand, foot, or head massage
• Squeeze a rubbery stress ball, some play dough, or clay

Tastes

Experiment with food, in moderation. Food will work, but it’s not the ideal choice for those with weight problems. However, being aware when eating increases pleasure and may reduce hunger.

• Take a small piece of something sweet, such as dark chocolate or a juicy berry—let it dissolve slowly in your mouth. Savor every bit.
• Mix several kinds of grapes in a bowl. Close your eyes, pick one and slowly taste it. Notice its skin, inner flesh, and seeds, if any. Try to identify the different types of grapes solely through taste. 
• Prepare a meal that includes lots of colors, textures, aromas, and flavors - a feast for all the senses. Focus on the food and eat slowly, noticing how everything feels and tastes on various parts of your tongue.
• Try a variety of flavors and textures, such as a salty tortilla chip, a golden raisin, a spicy sliver of pepperoni, a small piece of cheese, a crunchy bite of green apple, and a slice of pickle. 

Additional stress relief techniques

Looking for something quick and powerful? Try these approaches to rapidly reduce your stress levels:

Deep breathing

Deep breathing involves not only the lungs but the abdomen, too. When you breathe down to the very bottom of your lungs, they press against your diaphragm. You’ll know when you’re doing this correctly because you’ll not only feel the greater influx of air, you’ll also see the downward pressure cause your abdomen to push outward a bit. If you breathe only through the chest, using your chest muscles to push air in and out of the lungs, you’re not utilizing your full lung capacity, and you are not gaining maximum stress relief.

Progressive muscle relaxation

Controlling, contracting, and relaxing muscles in your body allows you to become aware of tensions you might not even realize you have, and achieves quick relief from stress. Here’s how:

1. Loosen your clothing, remove your shoes if possible, and sit comfortably.
2. Tighten the muscles in your toes, as tight as possible. Hold for a count of 10. Relax and enjoy the sensation of release.
3. Flex the muscles in your feet. Hold for a count of 10. Relax.
4. Move slowly up through your body—legs, abdomen, back, neck, face—contracting and relaxing muscles as you go.

Talking to someone close who is calm and alert

Call or meet up with someone who is emotionally at ease and intellectually focused. Ifsomeone in your life knows how to listen without interrupting or giving advice, telling that person about your worriescan help you rapidly reduce stress. Good friends are a huge asset.

Selecting the best technique for stress relief

How can you select the best techniques at the time that you’re stressed? The technique that will work best for you depends on the situation and your personal preferences. Ask yourself the following questions:

Does your need for balance call for energizing or relaxing? Do you need activities to rev yourself up orto help youwind down so that youfeel centered, flexible, and alert?

What time do you have available? Do you have time for a walk or a little exercise, or do you just have a minute?

Are you very social, with many friends and associates, or more of a loner? Do you have a large group of people to lean on, or will you rebalance on your own?

Do you have time to care for a pet? Being around a friendly, loving, and relaxed animal soothes like being around a trusted friend and, if you have time for one, pets are always available.

Can you make time to play? Joyous, playful experience defuses stress. Manybalance themselves through humor and playful activity.

Do you use sensory input to soothe and energize yourself? What you see, hear, smell, touch, taste and experience through movement and body position restores the harmonious feelings of safety and attention.

The benefits of successful stress response

What is the result when you recognize and respond effectively to stress? The following people previously struggled in their relationships because they failed to recognize and balance their stress levels. Now, each of them has learned to identify their stress response pattern and bring themselves back into balance. Notice how they react when specific stresses throw them out of balance, and the positive result their actions bring.

Related Links: Relationship Help Series  

Helpguide Related Links

Coping with Stress: Management and Reduction Techniques—Learn how to reduce the negative effects of stress on your body, mind, and relationships.
Stress Relief: Yoga, Meditation, and Other Relaxation Techniques—Guide to a variety of stress relief techniques including exercise, yoga, and meditation.

Additional Resources

Coping with Stress –Describes breathing exercises that can be used for relaxation and stress management. (University of Pittsburgh Medical Center)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Detailed guide to a procedure to relieve stress by tensing and relaxing muscle groups in your body. (American Lung Association)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Short guide to tensing and relaxing muscle groups in your body. (Shippensburg University)

A to Z of Stress Therapies —Guide to 14 stress relaxation therapies from aromatherapy to yoga. (StressBusting.co.uk)

Simply Scentsational: the Art of Aromatherapy —(Commercial site) Explains the physiological basis for why aromas can relieve stress, which essential oils can be useful in stress relief, and how to use them. (Beliefnet.com)

Mindfulness —Outlines ten simple ways to practice mindfulness each day. (Mind-Body Medical Institute)

Authored by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D with Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D; Editing by Pat Davies and Suzanne Barston  Last modified on: 9/04/07.