Sex After BirthResuming Sexual Intimacy After Having a Baby

Sex and intimacy after birth

As the mother of a new baby, the postpartum period, or the first 12 weeks after giving birth, can be a time marked by significant physical and emotional changes. During this time, your body is healing from childbirth, your reproductive organs are returning to their pre-pregnancy state, and your hormone levels are shifting. All of these changes can affect your feelings about sex.

Having a baby can change nearly every aspect of your life, including sex and intimacy with your partner. Health care providers typically recommend waiting at least six to eight weeks to resume sexual activity, but nearly two-thirds of women report waiting longer. It’s very common to delay having sex again because you don’t feel physically or emotionally ready. In fact, most women wait between three and six months before engaging in sexual intercourse again.

Intimacy, or that sense of closeness with your partner, is an important component of a healthy romantic relationship, and sex can play a large part in maintaining that. When you have a new baby, though, sex and intimacy with your partner can change for many different reasons, including:

• Physical discomfort and pain. Your body may not feel ready to have sex again, even if your health care provider gives you the all clear. It’s normal to experience soreness and discomfort as your body heals from childbirth.
• Anxiety. You may experience anxiety about having postpartum sex. You may fear that it will hurt or that it will impact your healing process.
• Fatigue. The sleepless nights and stress of caring for a newborn can leave you feeling exhausted. Sex and intimacy may be the farthest thing on your mind when you’re emotionally drained and sleep deprived.
• Body image. Your postpartum body may look and feel very different than it did pre-pregnancy. You may not feel as sexually desirable to your partner. This change in body image can be hard to adjust to.

If you’re struggling with sex and intimacy after having a baby, you’re not alone. However, there are ways that you and your partner can regain and even enhance the intimacy in your relationship after having a baby, and resume a healthy sex life.

How long after birth can you have sex?

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists notes that most experts recommend waiting at least six weeks after giving birth to resume intercourse. Many women experience bleeding for the first few weeks after giving birth, and having sex while bleeding can increase the risk of infection and postpartum hemorrhage. Also, if you have had tearing or stitches, having sex too soon may interfere with the healing process.

Even if your health care provider clears you for sex at six weeks postpartum, you still may not feel ready. It’s common to feel uninterested in sex for months after giving birth due to low libido, pain, and fatigue. And if you are experiencing a perinatal mental health condition like postpartum depression or anxiety, you may feel little desire for sex. Feelings of sadness and worry can be so overwhelming, you’re left with little energy or desire for physical intimacy.

Even if you don’t have a perinatal mental health condition, the demands of caring for a new baby, coping with your new identity, and struggling with a lack of sleep can all make sex seem unappealing.

If you experienced a traumatic birth, you may also struggle with sex and intimacy during the postpartum period. Birth trauma refers to any experience where there is risk of serious injury or death to mother or baby during childbirth. Experiencing birth trauma can leave you with intense feelings of shock, fear, lack of control, and helplessness. You may also be at risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a condition that involves re-experiencing the traumatic event over and over again, avoidance, numbing, and increased emotional arousal.

Another factor that may impact your readiness to resume sex is the type of delivery that you had.

Sex after vaginal delivery

Experiencing tearing or an episiotomy during a vaginal delivery can affect your feelings about postpartum sex. Perineal tears are common, with nearly 90 percent of women experiencing them during vaginal births. The majority of tears heal without complications, but severe tears can often cause pain and sexual problems. Generally, the more severe the tear, the longer it will likely take you to resume sexual activity.

If you have an episiotomy during birth, you’re also more likely to experience sexual issues. An episiotomy is a surgical incision in the perineum that allows the baby to pass through more easily. Following an episiotomy, you may experience vaginal dryness and pain during sex. Deliveries involving an episiotomy can also be emotionally difficult or even feel traumatic.

Sex after C-section

A cesarean section, or C-section for short, is a surgical procedure that involves delivering a baby by cutting through the mother’s abdomen and uterus. Research has found mixed results when it comes to sex after a C-section, with some studies finding that having a C-section is linked to more sexual problems and others finding no connection.

If you’ve had a C-section, you may find it difficult to resume sex and intimacy after having your baby. The recovery time following a C-section is typically longer than an uncomplicated vaginal birth. There are also risks such as abnormal separation of the placenta and infection. Because your recovery period tends to be longer following a C-section, you may feel like your body needs more time to heal before you resume sexual activity.

Tips for resuming intimacy and sex after birth

If you have experienced a loss of sexual desire after having a baby, you’re not alone. Loss of libido is common among postpartum mothers. Your body has gone through a lot of changes and sex may be the last thing on your mind when you are sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and not feeling like yourself.

For many women, sexual desire returns slowly over time, but it can be frustrating to wait. One study found that women reported low sexual desire 18 months after giving birth. If you are breastfeeding, the hormonal changes you may dampen your sexual desire for longer.

Even though it’s common for couples to have less sex and intimacy after having a baby, there are things that you can do to help enhance this aspect of your relationship.

Tip 1: Cope with a loss of libido

In any circumstances, high levels of stress can significantly impact your libido. And the reality is that having a newborn can be very stressful and it can take time to adapt to the new demands of parenthood.

Taking steps to manage your overall stress levels can have a positive impact on your sexual desire after having a baby. You can also:

Focus on what you can control. Stress can intensify when you’re trying to control things that you don’t have control over. For example, you can’t make your baby sleep through the night, but you can try to encourage longer stretches of sleep. If you focus on what you can do, you’re more likely to feel empowered rather than stressed.

Delegate when possible. Some mothers feel pressure to be “super mom,” believing that asking for help is a sign of weakness. The truth is that having a new baby is a lot of work and it’s often impossible to do it all yourself. If you are feeling overwhelmed, try delegating some household chores, tasks, or other responsibilities to your partner, family members, or friends.

Create a plan with your partner. For some couples, stress can breed resentment. If you feel like the majority of the parenting load is on you, for example, growing frustrated with your partner can impact your sex drive. It can be helpful to share your feelings with your partner and discuss ways to gain more support. Try to do this when you’re both calm, rather than when tempers are flaring to avoid your partner becoming defensive or shutting down.

Lifestyle changes to boost libido

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle and self-care routine can also help boost your libido. Try incorporating the following into your daily schedule:

• Physical movement. Exercise, whether it is running, walking, strength training, or any form of physical activity, can help enhance libido.
• Mindfulness. Mindfulness practices can also improve libido by reducing stress. Combining movement with mindfulness through activities like yoga can give you double the benefits.
• Nutritional meals. Eating a healthy, balanced diet consisting of protein, complex carbohydrates, fruits, and vegetables and low in refined sugars, processed foods, and alcohol may also be beneficial.

Is it postpartum depression?

In some cases, low sex drive can be a sign of postpartum depression. Other symptoms of postpartum depression include:

• Feeling sad or anxious nearly every day for two weeks or more following childbirth.
• Low energy.
• Poor concentration.
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep even when the baby sleeps.
• Changes in appetite or weight.
• Feeling restless or on edge.
• Difficulty bonding with your baby.
• Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach pain.
• Feeling like you cannot care for your baby or are not a good mother.
• Thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby.

Tip 2: Deal with pain or discomfort

Many women report experiencing pain and discomfort during sex after having a baby. Vaginal dryness, tightness, and irritation are common, making sex uncomfortable. These symptoms can be worse if you are breastfeeding due to lower estrogen levels. The anticipation of knowing that sex will be painful can cause a lot of anxiety as well.

There are some things you can try as a couple to help ease the pain and discomfort you feel:

• Ease into sexual activity by starting with foreplay.
• Try water-based lubricants to help with vaginal dryness.
• Communicate how you are feeling to your partner. Let them know if you experience any pain or discomfort.
• Partners, check in on how the mother is feeling during intimacy and make adjustments.
• Try different positions to find ones that feel more comfortable.

Practicing Kegel exercises

Pelvic floor exercises such as Kegels may also help prevent and manage pain after childbirth. To perform a Kegel exercise:

• First, identify your pelvic floor muscles by pretending to squeeze your vagina around a tampon. The muscles that you feel activated are your pelvic floor.
• Lie down flat on your back and squeeze your pelvic floor muscles for three to five seconds.
• Now relax your muscles for another three to five seconds.
• Repeat the cycle for 10 rounds.

Over time, you can gradually increase the length of time that you hold the contraction. Aim to do between 30 and 40 Kegels each day. You can also do them standing up once you have the feeling of contracting your muscles.

Tip 3: Know when to resume birth control

Many health care professionals recommend waiting at least 18 months between pregnancies to avoid an increased risk of health complications for both mother and baby.

While it’s true that your menstrual cycle may take a while to resume after having a baby, it’s possible to get pregnant just weeks after birth. To prevent unintended pregnancy, many experts recommend resuming birth control shortly after giving birth.

If you are breastfeeding, your period may take several months to return. While breastfeeding could be used as a natural form of birth control, it’s risky to rely solely on this method. Ovulation occurs around two weeks before your menstrual period, so you could get pregnant even before your period returns.

There are many different forms of birth control you may want to consider, including:

Barrier methods. This includes using condoms, spermicide, or a diaphragm, cervical cap, or sponge. These methods are non-hormonal and work by preventing sperm from reaching an egg. Some of these methods, like the cervical cap and sponge, may be less effective after having a baby or require re-fitting. It’s usually recommended that you wait at least six weeks after giving birth in order to use a cervical cap, diaphragm, or sponge.

Hormonal methods. These methods include birth control pills, patches, and vaginal rings. They contain the hormones estrogen and progestin and prevent ovulation from occurring. Hormonal methods can increase the risk of deep vein thrombosis (DVT), so may not be prescribed until you are at least three weeks postpartum. They may also affect milk supply, so are often not prescribed if you’re breastfeeding.

Progestin-only. Birth control pills that contain progestin only, without estrogen, do not impact milk supply or increase the risk of DVT, so can often be taken right after giving birth. There is also a progestin shot available that is given every three months.

Sterilization. A surgical procedure that involves closing off the fallopian tubes can be done shortly after giving birth while you are still at the hospital. A male partner can also have a vasectomy performed, which blocks the tubes that deliver sperm from the testicles. It may take several months until all of the sperm are removed following a vasectomy, so back-up birth control methods should be used in the meantime.

With many options available, deciding which birth control method is right for you can be difficult. Reviewing all of your options and the pros and cons with your partner and health care provider can help you make the right decision.

Tip 4: Talk to your partner about your changing needs

Effective communication is key when it comes to navigating the changes in your relationship after having a baby. For many couples, though, navigating the demands of a new baby and adjusting to new family roles can create conflict and impact intimacy in the relationship.

If you’re having trouble communicating your needs and desires to your partner, these tips can help you re-establish healthy communication and intimacy:

Set aside dedicated time for each other. It can be very challenging to find alone time as new parents, but making time for connection in your relationship is important. Try to come up with some creative ways to spend time together. You could plan an at-home movie night, for example, or cook a meal together and eat it by candlelight. You may get interrupted by your baby, and that’s okay. It may not always go perfectly smoothly, but try to get into a habit of prioritizing time together.

Express yourself. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. You need to let them know your wants and needs, especially if those that have changed since giving birth. The mistake that couples often make is starting off the conversation by explaining all of the ways that their partners have not met their needs. Instead, keep the conversation focused on what your needs are and ways that your partner can meet them. Also, invite your partner to express their needs and wants too!

Affirm and appreciate each other. It’s no secret that parenting a newborn can be a thankless job. Many new parents often feel a lack of appreciation. On top of that, it’s much easier to point out what your partner is doing wrong and overlook what they are doing right. Trying to make a conscious effort to notice the positive things that your partner does can help re-establish intimacy.

Tip 5: Seek treatment for medical issues impacting sexual function

While some discomfort during sex is normal after childbirth, pain that is persistent and does not improve could be a sign of pelvic organ prolapse, a pelvic disorder that can be caused by childbirth. Women who have had a vaginal birth, have given birth to a baby over 8.5 pounds, or who have a family history are at greater risk. Pelvic organ prolapse may even develop years after childbirth.

In addition to pain during sex, signs of pelvic organ prolapse include:

• A bulge coming out of the vagina.
• Leaking urine.
• Difficulty making bowel movements.
• Pressure in the pelvic area that worsens when standing.
• Feeling of pain, aching, or pressure in the pelvis.
• Discomfort during physical activity or when standing for long periods of time.

Pelvic organ prolapse can significantly impact your quality of life and increase your risk of depression. Fortunately, there are treatment options available depending on the type and severity of the prolapse.

If you suspect that you could have pelvic organ prolapse, speak with your health care provider.

How to help a new mother

If you are a partner of a new mother, the changes that your partner is experiencing will most likely impact you, too. At the same time, you may be navigating your own role changes in the relationship and as a parent.

While every couple is different, in many cases the non-birthing parent feels ready to resume sexual activity before the parent that has given birth. It’s very common for new mothers to feel uninterested in sex for several months after giving birth. Trouble can arise if you take this lack of interest personally. In most cases it is due to the physical, emotional, and hormonal changes that have occurred, not a loss of attraction to you.

As you move to re-establish intimacy in your relationship, a good by place to start is by talking to your partner openly and frankly. If it’s been several weeks or months since you were intimate, it may feel awkward to have this conversation at first. But questions like: “How do you feel about having sex again?” or “How can I help you feel more comfortable with sex?” can help facilitate an open conversation.

When it comes to supporting your partner, do:

• Take things slow.
• Avoid pressuring them before they are ready.
• Offer suggestions on how to ease into sexual activity.
• Encourage them to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
• Be open yourself to other forms of intimacy and connection.
• Broaden your definition of sex; it’s not just about intercourse.

Regaining intimacy in your relationship after having a baby is a process that often takes time. It’s unlikely to happen overnight. Remember that having a baby is an adjustment in nearly all aspects of your life, including physical intimacy with your partner.

Sex after birth

A new baby affects nearly all aspects of a parent’s life, including sex and intimacy with their partner. Following childbirth, women may experience pain, low sexual desire, and anxiety about resuming sex. In heterosexual relationships, it’s common for male partners to feel ready to resume sex before the female partner does.

If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy after baby, you are not alone. Managing stress, taking things slow, and communicating with one another are important. With some time, work, and mutual support, you can reconnect sexually as a couple.

Last updated or reviewed on December 7, 2024