How to Identify and Deal with a Covert Narcissist

What is covert narcissism?

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are often depicted as being talkative, showy, and pretentious. They consistently brag and bluster to command attention and gain admiration. However, those are signs of overt (or grandiose) narcissism, and they don’t account for all narcissists.

Covert narcissism (also known as vulnerable narcissism) is a narcissistic personality disorder subtype that combines traits like self-centeredness and manipulative behavior with an introverted demeanor. Because covert narcissists seem so reserved or even modest, it can be easy to overlook their more problematic traits.

Being close to a covert narcissist can be challenging in the long run. They can’t handle criticism, so you likely feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them. Whenever you try to offer feedback, they give you the cold shoulder. Their reactiveness and defensive attitude can be stressful to deal with.

Their negativity can also weigh on you. They may often talk about how under-appreciated they are and complain about how unfair life has been to them. At the same time, they’re so self-absorbed they have little to offer you in terms of attention or emotional support. You’ll find it hard to have a reciprocal relationship. At their worst, their envy, lack of empathy, and intense desire for admiration can lead them to be manipulative. They can also be passive aggressive and look for indirect ways to express their resentment.

Like all narcissists, covert narcissists rarely admit that they have a problem, but their actions can be harmful to themselves and those around them. Whether you have a friend, partner, or family member who is a covert narcissist, it’s important to acknowledge how their behavior can affect your well-being. Understanding the traits and causes of this personality disorder can help you navigate the relationship and protect yourself.

History of covert narcissism

In the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), narcissistic personality disorder is a cluster B personality disorder. That means it involves dramatic behavior and intense or erratic emotional responses. It’s in the same category as antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality disorders.

The term “covert narcissism” doesn’t appear in the current DSM. However, the concept of the condition has shown up in different forms for decades. For example, in 1989, psychiatrist Glen Gabbard used the term “hypervigilant narcissist” to refer to the introverted subtype and “oblivious narcissist” for the extroverted subtype. In 1993, psychiatrist James Masterson theorized the existence of “closet narcissists” who differed from “exhibitionistic narcissists.”

Some researchers suggest that rather than fitting neatly into separate categories, narcissists shift between grandiose and vulnerable (overt and covert) states. It’s possible that when an overt narcissist experiences consequences to their behavior, their sense of superiority collapses into feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Traits of covert narcissism

The signs of covert narcissism can be a little more subtle than those of overt narcissism. Here are some traits to look out for:

Self-centeredness. All types of narcissists carry a high sense of self-importance. They’re so focused on themselves that they often struggle with empathy and will prioritize their own needs and wants over yours. Conversations with a narcissistic partner can mostly involve them airing their grievances, and you always feel unheard.

Introversion. People with covert narcissism aren’t as likely to seek out the spotlight. Instead, they can come off as reserved or shy. Part of this may be social awkwardness or nervousness. A 2023 exploratory study found that covert or vulnerable narcissists seem to be more emotionally reactive and experience larger spikes in stress hormones during high-pressure social situations, such as job interviews.

Hypersensitive to criticism. Whether you’re offering them instructive feedback at work or correcting their misinformation, narcissists will take criticism very personally. Although a covert narcissist may not react with angry outbursts, they might grow sullen, withdrawn, or defensive.

Desire for recognition and validation. Covert narcissists often fantasize about success and recognition, and this will be evident in their behavior. They might try to direct your attention to their accomplishments or subtly brag in hopes of gaining your admiration. Despite this, a covert narcissist may not actually have a lot of self-confidence.

Fragile self-esteem. Covert narcissists are less likely to overestimate their abilities than overt narcissists. Internally, they grapple with feelings of inadequacy despite their desire to be seen as special or successful. When they don’t get the validation or admiration they crave, their self-esteem can crumble.

Victim mentality. Covert narcissists are often fatalistic, meaning they see themselves as victims of circumstance. They frequently claim to be unappreciated and misunderstood. An overt narcissist might say, “Look how smart I am!” But a covert narcissist is more likely to mutter, “People never notice how smart I am.”

Passive-aggression. If you cross a covert narcissist, they might not express their anger directly—unlike overt narcissists, who can be outright aggressive when their ego is threatened. Instead, covert narcissists use subtle insults to express their displeasure or use passive-aggressive behavior, such as withholding information, to get vengeance.

Manipulation. They might sulk to gain your attention and flattery. Or they might shift blame onto you to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Perhaps a covert narcissistic friend blames you for their poor spending habits or binge drinking. Deflecting blame allows them to protect their own self-esteem while making you feel inferior.

Negativity. A 2017 study suggested that a key difference between covert and overt narcissism is that the former experiences a higher degree of neuroticism. Neuroticism is a personality trait that reflects emotional instability and the tendency to experience negative emotions like anxiety and stress. In other words, covert narcissists carry a more negative attitude and outlook than their grandiose counterparts.

Insecure attachment style. Grandiose narcissists often take an outwardly dismissive view of relationships. They might think and say things like, “I don’t need anyone else. I can do it myself.” Covert narcissists, on the other hand, usually have a fear of rejection or abandonment. Both types may struggle to cultivate deep, healthy relationships that feel anything more than transactional.

[Read: Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships]

Causes of covert narcissism

A combination of genetics and childhood experiences may cause this personality disorder.

Genetic factors. There may be genetic predispositions that lead to the development of traits associated with narcissism. Some studies of twins have determined that the disorder is at least partially inheritable. The same applies to other personality disorders.

Childhood experiences. A child who receives excessive praise from their parents may grow into an adult who is entitled and self-important. However, child abuse or neglect may also lead to narcissistic traits. For example, a child who is neglected or constantly criticized may obsessively seek validation and admiration from others to cope with low self-esteem.

Tips for dealing with covert narcissism in a relationship

Maintaining a connection with a covert narcissist can be both frustrating and exhausting. Each conversation can feel delicate, as you spend much of it trying to avoid saying something that will irritate them. After every encounter, you may feel completely sapped of energy.

The covert narcissist may also try to manipulate or gaslight you. For example, they might regularly guilt you into believing you’ve wronged them when the opposite is true. This can leave you you feeling confused and self-doubting.

It can seem the two of you are caught in a negative cycle. You keep hoping for them to change, and they stick to the same old habits. But there are ways to cope with their behavior while also protecting yourself.

Ensuring you have a realistic perspective on the relationship is the first step. Then, you can move onto setting boundaries, handling their passive-aggressive tactics, and seeking support.

Tip 1: Keep a realistic view of the relationship

Because covert narcissists are introverted, it can be easy to overlook negative traits like their self-absorption or manipulative behavior. Even if you’re aware of them, you may have unrealistic expectations of how quickly a covert narcissist can change.

Learn as much as you can. Research more about narcissism as well as other personality disorders. Understanding the origins of these conditions and how they manifest can help you manage your expectations.

Don’t excuse bad behavior. The covert narcissist may talk badly about people who have criticized them, or constantly project their insecurities onto others. In many cases, a covert narcissist may genuinely not believe they’re doing anything wrong. However, resist the urge to ignore their behavior just because you love them. Keep in mind they will likely direct their quiet hostility at you if you fail to feed their ego.

Know your limits. The symptoms of personality disorders can be stubborn, and many people with these disorders refuse to acknowledge they have an issue. With that in mind, know that it’s not your job to “fix” the person. You can nudge them toward therapy—perhaps by pointing out how their covert narcissism symptoms seem to undermine their well-being. However, you can’t force them to change.

Tip 2: Maintain healthy boundaries

Because they’re so focused on their own wants and needs, narcissists regularly overstep boundaries with others. By learning to set healthy boundaries with a covert narcissist, you can steer clear of hurt and frustration.

Have a specific goal. Decide specifically what you want to change. For instance, you may want them to stop lying to you, making false promises, or putting you down. Communicate this as clearly as you can and cite an example of their behavior if necessary.

Set realistic consequences. What will you do if they cross the boundary? Limiting contact can be a smart move. If they have a habit of making subtle insults, you could say, “I feel disrespected when you talk about me like that. If you do that again, I’ll cut back on the time we spend together.” But only set consequences you’re willing to enforce.

Be prepared for them to retaliate. They might try to test those boundaries or respond with subtle acts of meanness. This can be upsetting but try not to take it personally. They’re reacting because your boundary setting has threatened their ego.

Tip 3: Guard against passive aggression

Often, when their ego is bruised, a covert narcissist will turn to passive-aggressive behavior, rather than direct confrontation. Passive aggression involves things like “forgetting” to help with chores or pretending to not hear you. Their inaction and lack of cooperation can frustrate you or bait you into having an emotional reaction.Here are some tips on handling their passive aggression:

Identify patterns. Maybe your loved one emotionally withdraws when you offer the slightest criticism. Or perhaps your roommate puts on a forced smile but leaves the dishes unfinished. Keep track of how they indirectly express their anger.

Control your own anger. If you lose your temper, they may take the opportunity to play the victim or guilt you into believing you’re the problem. Instead, take a few moments to quickly relieve stress and calm down before having a knee-jerk reaction.

Invite them into an open conversation. Gently bring up the issue and give them space to say what’s on their mind. “I felt like you were giving me the cold shoulder after our talk this morning. I’m wondering if you have anything on your mind?” They may deny their anger, but the important thing is that you’ve provided room for a frank discussion.

Pick your battles. Aside from passive aggression, covert narcissists may also resort to manipulative tactics. For example, they may try blame-shifting, which is when they do something wrong and then insist that you’re the reason they did it. For example, “I didn’t tell the truth because you’re so sensitive.”Don’t spend your time and energy trying to defend against these types of comments. A narcissist will stubbornly justify their actions, so they won’t have to admit they were wrong. Tell them you disagree and leave it at that.

Tip 4: Look for support and purpose elsewhere

Relationships with covert narcissists can be unfulfilling. They may not take the time to listen unless they are the topic of discussion. Their pessimism and envy may creep into every interaction. Your relationship may only ever seem calm when you put in excessive effort to flatter and appease them. It’s important to seek fulfillment in other relationships and aspects of life.Nurture healthier relationships. Take a little bit of your focus off of the narcissist. Instead, spend more time with friends and family who offer the emotional support you need. Aim to strengthen existing ties or build new friendships if necessary.

Put the spotlight on you. Relationships with covert narcissists can harm your self-esteem over time. Try to let go of the desire to gain their approval or validation. Turn your attention to your own hobbies, interests, and other things that make you feel happy and confident.

Seek professional help. If you find yourself with intense feelings of anxiety or depression due to your relationship with the covert narcissist, it might be wise to talk with a therapist, either in-person or via an online therapy platform. They can help you practice setting boundaries and identify other ways to protect your mental health.

[Read: Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal]

Tip 5: Know when to leave

Leaving an abusive relationship or ending a friendship with a covert narcissist may not be easy. Perhaps you love and care about them but now recognize that their behavior is harmful to your own health and well-being.

Create a list of reasons why you’re ending the relationship. This can help you organize your thoughts and serve as a motivational tool. Review the list anytime you feel compelled to change your mind and give them another chance.

Once the relationship has ended, allow yourself time to grieve. Even if the relationship was toxic, cutting out someone you care about is always painful.

[Read: Coping with a Breakup or Divorce]

Rely on friends and family members during this tough time. Or you can turn to support groups, helplines, and domestic violence shelters if your social network feels too thin.

If you need help as a covert narcissist

People with covert narcissism are unlikely to admit that their views and actions are problematic. However, if you’re aware of your personality disorder and are open to change, it’s possible to find coping strategies.Two steps you can take on your own include:

Build emotional intelligence (EQ). This is your ability to understand, regulate, and use your emotions to improve your life and your relationships. Improving your emotional intelligence can help you manage internalized anger and envy and turn those feelings into something more productive.

Build empathy. This is your ability to see another person’s perspective and relate to their emotional experiences. Empathy can help you escape self-absorption and form connections with those around you. Like EQ, empathy can be strengthened with practice.

Work with a therapist. In addition to those self-help steps, it’s important to talk to a mental help expert for treatment. Professional treatment might involve a mix of psychotherapy and medication to manage intense emotions and internalized negative assumptions. Some potential treatment options might mirror those used for people with borderline personality disorder. For example, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help you gain insight into your emotions, build resilience, and develop a healthy level of empathy.

Covert narcissists and mental health

Covert narcissism isn’t always easy to notice, but it can result in chaotic relationships and destructive behavioral patterns. Rather than wait for change to happen on its own, take proactive measures to protect your sense of peace and overall mental health.