Reconnecting with Sex and Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

How sexual violence impacts intimate relationships

Sexual abuse or sexual assault can happen to anyone at any point in our lives, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, or background. You may have experienced a singular assault or repeated abuse over time, either as an adult, in childhood, or both.

What’s most important to remember is that sexual violence happens because another person disregarded your consent and took away your power. It wasn’t based on what you wore, said, did, or where you were. Whatever the circumstances, it was not your fault. And the way you reacted in the moment was not in your control, either.

Everyone’s reaction to sexual violence is different. Some may begin feeling the effects of trauma immediately, while others may take weeks, months, or even years to begin experiencing symptoms.

When you experience rape or sexual trauma, it not only affects your sense of self but also your intimate relationships with others. As humans, we innately crave connection. While our definitions of intimacy vary from person to person, at its core, intimacy involves pleasure, trust, and vulnerability—all things that are violated when you experience any form of sexual trauma.

After experiencing sexual violence, your relationship with your body can feel different. It’s common for survivors to feel dissociated, hypervigilant, anxious, and experience symptoms of trauma like flashbacks, nightmares, or panic attacks. When it comes to sex and intimate relationships, these symptoms can feel like insurmountable obstacles.

If you’re single, you may feel profoundly scared of dating again, anxious about being alone with someone new, or experience feelings of isolation and loneliness. If you’re partnered, you may feel an aversion to having your significant other touch you, fear engaging in sexual activities you once enjoyed, or simply want to withdraw from the relationship altogether. If it was your partner who committed the assault, the repercussions can be even more complicated.

While the challenges around sex and intimacy can feel overwhelming right now, it’s key to remember they’re not permanent. Every survivor’s experience and healing journey is unique, and what has helped someone else might not be right for you. However, given time, there are many techniques that can help you reconnect and feel safe again in your body, find pleasure in physical touch, and have a healthy relationship with sex and intimacy once more.

Challenges to rebuilding intimacy

As you navigate life post-assault, you may be facing many different challenges, including flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and triggers—those powerful stimuli like a smell, word, or sound that instantly reminds you of your assault, and causes a strong emotional or physical response. These symptoms can all feel incredibly scary within any part of your daily life, but especially so when they impact your intimate and sexual relationships.

Other challenges you may be currently experiencing can include:

Avoiding or being afraid of sex. You might feign tiredness or illness when asked about engaging in sex or prefer to sleep separately from your partner. Or you may have a fear-based reaction to physical touch from your partner, such as trembling, sweating, nausea, or stomach pain. For a survivor, these new reactions to sex can feel confusing, scary, and isolating.

Flashbacks, freezing, or being triggered during sex. These are very common experiences post-assault and can leave you feeling out of control, fearful, and even embarrassed, especially if it happens during sex with a new partner. Triggers and flashbacks can cause you to freeze, dissociate, hyperventilate, panic, and may feel like you’re suddenly not in control of your body or the situation.

Intrusive feelings of shame. One of the most common experiences after sexual violence is a sense of shame. As humans, we naturally want to feel in control so our brains like to find clear reasons why something happened, in order to prevent it from happening again in the future. But in the case of sexual assault, it didn’t happen because of anything you could’ve prevented. Despite knowing this, you may still be feeling shame over the experience, how your body is responding post-assault, or other people’s unsupportive or victim-blaming attitudes.

Anxiety around dating or difficulty establishing relationships. Sexual violence is a violation of trust and consent. When that happens, it can feel really hard to begin trusting people again—both new people and longstanding relationships. This may cause you to feel withdrawn, anxious around social settings, or avoidant of new environments and people.

Feeling not present during sex or sex is an obligation. Sexual activities you once enjoyed might not feel pleasurable or safe to you anymore, which can impact both you and your partner. You might feel dissociated during sex, a lack of connection with your partner, or numbness. Sex may now feel like something you’re doing for another person versus being a pleasurable experience for yourself.

Hyper-sexual activity or low arousal. While many survivors of sexual assault have shared feeling a complete depletion of arousal post-assault, others experience the opposite. This shift towards hyper-sexual activity can be caused by wanting to reclaim control of the situation or your body through sex. It can also be spurred by a lack of care or concern for your body post-assault which leads you to engaging in potentially riskier sexual activities.

Anger, disgust, guilt, or fear at certain types of touch. Following your assault, you may find yourself triggered by things your body associates with that experience, including certain smells, feelings of materials, types of lighting, words, or physical contact. Types of touch from a partner you previously enjoyed, for example, may now inspire intense emotions such as anger, disgust, guilt, or fear which can feel confusing and disorienting.

Experiencing pain or orgasmic difficulties. This can manifest as vaginal pain, erectile or ejaculatory problems, or difficulty achieving an orgasm – all experiences that can feel very confusing, embarrassing, and difficult to talk about.

Difficulty trusting a partner or feeling emotionally distant. Your feelings surrounding sex and pleasure may feel very different following your sexual trauma and that can be challenging for both you and your partner to navigate. You may be feeling emotionally distant from your partner as you process this experience. You might feel like they don’t understand, they might be judgmental, or worried that learning more details could be hurtful to them—so you’re giving yourself some space.

Cultural or religious obstacles. Many challenges you’re facing can complicated by cultural, religious, or heteronormative expectations you’ve experienced around sex and intimacy. Family members may ask you to not talk about your assault for fear of it impacting their reputation within the larger community, for example. Or your religion or culture may view sex and desire as shameful, or that you somehow put yourself in a situation that allowed this to happen.

The challenges you face after sexual violence can be upsetting to both you and your partner. But it’s important to acknowledge that these challenges are your body’s way of asking for support while processing what you’ve experienced. By understanding how sexual trauma is impacting your relationships, you can find the finding healing tools and resources that work best for you.

Tips for re-engaging in sex and intimacy

It’s important to give yourself the time and space to find coping skills that work best for you. There is no clear roadmap or timeline when it comes to healing. Every survivor’s healing journey looks unique to them.

While you may naturally want to suppress or avoid challenging feelings or sensations arising, the greatest gift you can give yourself is moving through and addressing what you’re experiencing. It can be helpful to do this with the support of a therapist or support group, but there are also steps you can take on your own to reconnect you with your body in safe and pleasurable ways.

It’s also important to remember that while you might not understand why your body is reacting in a certain way, it’s doing so to protect you. Take the time you need, engage in the resources that resonate, and extend patience and compassion to yourself as you heal and learn to rebuild intimacy.

Tip 1: Cope with your triggers and responses

Triggers are the situations, sights, sounds, or other catalysts that remind you of your traumatic experience and provoke profound physical and emotional responses. A certain word or smell, for example, might trigger you to freeze, panic, or detach from reality. In the case of sexual trauma, triggers often occur around situations involving sex and intimacy.

One of the most important first steps in your recovery journey is to understand your triggers and responses—and learn how to cope with them. By understanding what your triggers are, when they’re likely to occur, and the kind of responses they’ll illicit can help you feel more connected to your body and more in control of your life.

To start, take some time to reflect on your past experiences:

• When are you being triggered? Does it involve a certain environment? Smell? Taste? Movement? Sound? Touch? Specific words?
• When you’re triggered, what does it feel like? How do you respond?
• What did you think and feel about sex and intimacy before your assault? What do you think and feel about them now?

It can help to keep a journal, recording when your triggers and responses occur. With this new information, you can predict when you’re likely to be triggered and use coping strategies that work best for you.

Use grounding techniques

These two simple grounding techniques can help you calm down in the moment:

1. Drink water. When feeling triggered, slowly drink a glass of water. This can help slow down and re-regulate your breathing.
2. Control your breathing. Take a deep breath for four counts, hold for four counts, and release for four counts. The aim is to slow down your breathing and calm your nervous system. You can also pair this with a repeated mantra, such as “I am safe.”

Tip 2: Reconnect with your body

It can be difficult to regain intimacy with others when you’re unable to connect to yourself. After an assault, being present inside your body can feel deeply uncomfortable. But by finding ways to reconnect and feel safe within your body again can help you reground yourself in times of stress and provide a healing pathway to regaining intimacy with others.

These practices can be used to support you when you feel triggered or as daily practices to help you reconnect with your body.

Body scans. A body scan meditation focuses your attention on different parts of your body. Starting at the top of your head, move through your body and check in on how the different parts feel. Work to relax your body where it feels tight and notice where you might feel pain or discomfort.

Inhale, exhale. Intentional breathing practices or meditations can become tools you lean on when you notice your body becoming triggered. A daily practice can help guide you through breath work and re-establish inner calm. Try HelpGuide’s free Mindful Breathing Meditation.

Self-Care. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being isn’t easy when you’re recovering from trauma. But taking time to engage in self-care can help reconnect you to your body and remind yourself that you’re worthy of self-love.

Acts of self-care can be twofold: Activities that take care of you and activities that bring you pleasure. Eating healthy meals, drinking plenty of water, getting enough sleep, and moving your body can be paired with pleasurable activities such as your favorite hobbies, spending time in nature, reading, gardening, dancing, seeing friends, and watching movies.

Trauma-informed yoga. Traumatic experiences can sit within your body. Engaging in practices such as trauma-informed yoga can help release some of the painful memories and stress you’re holding on to. Trauma-informed yoga is specifically designed to safely reconnect survivors of sexual violence with their bodies and bolster their sense of empowerment, their personal choices, and feeling safe within their bodies.

Classes can be found at local yoga studios or community centers, and online through organizations such as Exhale to Inhale and Transcending Sexual Trauma Through Yoga.

Tip 3: When ready, ease into masturbation

One of the biggest challenges after experiencing sexual violence can be feeling safe and finding pleasure again during sexual activity. This can include both masturbation and sexual engagement with others. You may find yourself having a low sex drive or disconnection from your sex drive after your assault, or you may also find yourself engaging in heightened sexual activity.

When you feel ready, engaging in masturbation can help build up a sense of safety around sex.

Ease into it and prioritize pleasure over an orgasm. For some, it may take time to gradually feel comfortable orgasming. This is a completely natural challenge post-assault. Take things at the pace your body is comfortable with. This may mean starting by masturbating for a few minutes and stopping. You can build up your comfort to longer sessions over time.

Create the right environment. With comfort being your top priority, enhance your experience by creating a cozy environment: Play music, light candles, massage your body, or wear something that feels good.

Deal with triggers. If you notice you find certain types of touch or activities triggering—or you find your body dissociating—stop masturbating and shift into some self-care or use one of the grounding techniques outlined earlier to re-center yourself.

If beginning to masturbate feels overwhelming, you can find other ways of engaging in with your body intimately. Take a bath, for example, massage yourself with lotion or oils, or give yourself a facial. Taking the time you need to care for yourself can be an important first step.

Tip 3: Communicate with a partner

Whether your experience with sexual violence was recent or happened in the past, you can still be triggered when you are engaging with another person. Many sexual assaults are committed by someone you know, ranging from an intimate partner to an acquaintance. This personal connection can deeply impact the way you think about and approach intimacy and relationships moving forward.

You don’t have to tell an intimate partner about your sexual assault, but you may want them to better understand what you’re going through and the triggers you may experience during intimacy. Whether you’re communicating with a current partner or a new one, remember that you don’t need to share anything you don’t want to, and can take your time to open up.

• Set aside time with the person to talk, outside of when you’re feeling triggered or engaging in intimate activities.
• You can let them know ahead of time you’d like to share more about your assault and triggers, which can allow them to come in prepared to support you.
• You can also share any activities that would feel supportive while you share, such as holding your hand, sitting apart to allow you some space, or not interrupting with questions or reactions.
• If it feels difficult to discuss in person, you may want to do so over the phone instead, or even write down what you’re feeling and share it with your partner for them to read.

Share only as much you’re comfortable with about your experience, your triggers, and ways in which loved ones can support you. This could include taking a step back from engaging in sexual activity as you process and reconnect with your body—even if you’ve been intimate with a partner in the past.

Tip 5: Express your new needs surrounding sex

As you engage in sexual activities with others, you may experience challenges including flashbacks, dissociations, or anxiety. As noted above, talking with your partner ahead of time can help let them know about your triggers and how they can best support you.

• You can also talk through activities you enjoy, how you’d like to approach being intimate together, and how you’d like to check with each other while it’s happening.
• Take things at the speed that you feel comfortable with and if talking about it feels overwhelming, consider another form of communication: Filling out a worksheet together or writing ideas down.
• The goal of rebuilding your relationships with sex and intimacy is to have you feeling as empowered and comfortable as possible. Talk with your partner about having you take the lead when it comes to initiating sex.

If you do find yourself being triggered during sex, stop all sexual activity and have your partner help you reground yourself. Remind your body you are safe and reorient yourself in the current space. Your partner can support you by guiding you through a breathing exercise, reminding you that it’s okay, or bringing you a glass of water.

As with masturbation, it may take time to build up comfort with sex. Take things at your own pace and be patient with yourself. It’s about encouraging your pleasure—and for your partner to support your healing.

Tip 6: Find support

Finding support outside of intimate relationships can also be important for your healing journey.

Work with a therapist. A therapist specifically trained to work with survivors of sexual can help guide you through complicated emotions in a confidential and safe environment. They can help ground you through difficult moments, provide information on why you’re experiencing certain sensations or symptoms, and make recommendations for the next steps to regaining intimacy. Working with a therapist, in-person or online, may also allow you to share more freely than you would do with a partner, friend, or family member.

Find a support group. Depending on where you live, you may find support groups for survivors of sexual violence in your local area. There also groups available online. Whether you choose to share your experiences or not is up to you. But engaging with others who are also recovering from sexual trauma can provide a sense of community, reduce feelings of isolation, and even offer valuable insights and coping tips for healing from trauma and regaining intimacy.

Helping a partner who is a survivor of sexual violence

If your significant other has experienced sexual violence, your support can be one of the most defining relationships along their healing journey. It can feel difficult navigating the changes in your relationship and the changes in your partner. You may feel frustrated, upset, or personally hurt over the loss of sex or intimacy in your relationship.

But remember that survivors often begin processing traumatic experiences once they’re in a relationship that feels safe enough to do so. For your partner to begin their healing while in a relationship with you highlights the level of trust they feel.

While re-establishing intimacy may take some time, your empathy and patience can be crucial. As a partner, it’s important to:

Let them share as they’re ready. Let your partner tell you about their experiences and challenges as they’re comfortable. Don’t push them to tell you things they’re not ready to share.

Listen without judgment. One of the most important thing you can do as a partner is to listen. As your partner navigates the challenges arising from sexual trauma, your presence and reassurance can be an anchor reminding them they’re safe and loved.

Be careful of your wording. When asking questions, be thoughtful about your wording. In trying to learn more information, it’s easy to sometimes ask questions that can be interpreted as victim blaming, such as, “Why did you go meet with that friend?” Instead, keep your questions open-ended, such as “How is that making you feel?”

Learn more on your own. By learning more about the impact of sexual violence, you can take the pressure off your partner having to explain everything. You may also learn additional ways to support your loved one as you work to establish intimacy.

Expand your ideas around intimacy. While sexual contact may be something your partner finds difficult at the moment, there are many other activities you can engage in to find intimacy. Things like holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, snuggling, laughing together, spending time exploring new events or neighborhoods, taking a bath or shower together, or giving each other massages can all bring you closer together.

Find support for yourself. While caring for your partner, it’s important you receive care and support yourself. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a support group. Talking with a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of sexual violence can also be helpful in dealing with challenges or frustrations.

Whether you have personally experienced sexual assault or abuse or you’re supporting a partner who has, remember that the challenges surrounding intimacy are not permanent. You can once again find trust, enjoyment, and pleasure in sexual and intimate relationships. The more you learn about your triggers and body, the more empowered you’ll feel to engage in healing practices that are right for you.

Last updated or reviewed on October 24, 2024