Helping a Depressed Person

Helping a depressed friend or family member

Depression is a serious but treatable disorder that affects millions of people, from young to old and from all walks of life. Depression gets in the way of everyday functioning and causes tremendous pain. And it doesn’t just hurt those suffering from it – it impacts everyone around them.

If someone you love has a mood disorder, you may be struggling with any number of difficult emotions: helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, sadness. All of these feelings are normal. Dealing with a friend or family member’s depression is difficult. And if you aren’t careful, it can become overwhelming.

That said, you can make a difference in a friend or family member’s depression by learning about the problem, encouraging treatment, and offering support. Finally, you can help by looking after your own emotional health. Taking care of yourself when someone close to you is depressed is not an act of selfishness – it’s a necessity. Being emotionally strong allows you to continue to love and care for the other person.

Learning about depression is the first step

Family and friends are often the first line of defense in the fight against depression. Those closest to a person with depression may notice the problem before the depressed individual does, and their influence and concern can motivate that person to seek help. But you need to understand what you’re dealing with before you can help someone who is depressed, so educate yourself about its symptoms, causes, and treatment.

Signs that your friend or family member may be depressed:

• Persistently sad, irritable, or apathetic mood
• Loss of interest in normal activities
• Talking very negatively
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Picking fights, being critical or moody
• Major change in sleeping or eating patterns
• Complaining of fatigue, lack of energy
• Frequent, unexplained aches and pains
• Having difficulties at school or work
• Abusing alcohol or drugs

The risk of suicide is real

It may be hard to believe that the person you know and love would ever consider something as drastic as suicide, but a depressed person may not see any other way out. Depression clouds judgment and distorts thinking, and can make a normally rational person believe that death is the only release from the pain he or she is feeling. 

Suicide is a very real danger in depression, so it’s important to know the warning signs:

• Talking about suicide, dying, or harming oneself.
• Preoccupation with death.
• Expressing feelings of hopelessness or self-loathing.
• Acting in dangerous or self-destructive ways.  
• Getting affairs in order and saying goodbye.
• Seeking out pills, weapons, or other lethal objects.
• Sudden sense of calm after a depression.

If you think a friend or friend member might be considering suicide, talk to him or her about your concerns. While you may feel uncomfortable bringing up the topic, it is one of the best things you can do for a suicidal person. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life, so speak up if you're concerned and seek professional help immediately!

Encouraging a depressed person to get help

Getting a depressed person into treatment can be difficult. Depression saps energy and motivation, so even the act of making an appointment or finding a doctor can seem daunting. Depression also involves negative ways of thinking. The depressed person may believe that the situation is hopeless and treatment pointless.

Because of these obstacles, getting your loved one to admit to the problem – and helping him or her see that it can be solved – is an essential step in depression recovery.

If your friend or family member resists getting help for depression:

• Suggest a general check-up with a physician. Your loved one may be less anxious about seeing a family doctor than a mental health professional. A regular doctor’s visit is actually a great option, since the doctor can rule out medical causes of depression. If the doctor diagnoses depression, he or she can refer your loved one to a psychiatrist or psychologist. Sometimes, this “professional” opinion makes all the difference.
• Offer to go with the person to the family physician or to help find a new doctor or therapist. Finding the right treatment provider can be difficult, and is often a trial-and-error process. For a depressed person already low on energy, it is a huge help to have assistance making calls and looking into the options.
• Encourage your loved one to make a thorough list of symptoms and ailments to discuss with the doctor. You can even bring up things that you have noticed as an outside observer, such as, “You seem to feel much worse in the mornings,” or “You always get stomach pains before work.”

How to support someone with depression

One of the most important things you can do to help a friend or relative with depression is to give your unconditional love and support. This involves being compassionate and patient, which is not always easy when dealing with the negativity, hostility, and moodiness that go hand in hand with depression.

Being supportive involves offering encouragement and hope. Very often, this is a matter of talking to the person in language that he or she will understand and respond to while in a depressed mindframe.

Once your friend or family member has acknowledged the depression and agreed to seek help, you can extend your support by approaching the treatment as a team effort. Offer to be involved in any way or to any degree that your loved one wants and is comfortable with. But remember that you are not – nor should you be – in the driver’s seat. Defer to your loved one’s wishes.

Supporting the depression treatment process

• Provide whatever assistance the person needs (and is willing to accept). Help him or her make and keep appointments, research treatment options, and stay on schedule with any treatment protocols.
• Have realistic expectations. It can be frustrating to watch a depressed loved one struggle, especially if progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important. Even with optimal treatment, recovery from depression doesn’t happen overnight.
• Lead by example. Encourage the depressed person to lead a healthier lifestyle by doing it yourself: maintain a positive outlook, eat better, avoid alcohol and drugs, exercise, and lean on others for support.
• Encourage activity. Invite your loved one to join you in activities that can help brighten moods, like going to a funny movie or having dinner at a favorite restaurant. Exercise is especially helpful, so try to get the depressed person out of the house for regular walks. Be gently and lovingly persistent – don’t get discouraged or stop asking.
• Pitch in when possible. Seemingly small tasks can be hard for a depressed person to manage. Offer to help out with household responsibilities or chores – but only do what you can without getting burned out yourself!

Taking care of yourself while helping a depressed person

There’s a natural impulse to want to fix the problems of people we love, but you can’t control a loved one’s depression. You can, however, control how well you take care of yourself. It’s just as important for you to stay healthy as it is for the depressed person to get treatment, so make your own well-being a priority.

Remember the advice of airline flight attendants: put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. In other words, make sure your own health and happiness are solid before you try to help a depressed person. You won’t do your friend or family member any good if you collapse under the pressure of trying to help. But when your own needs are taken care of, you’ll be in a solid place to help.

Tips for taking care of yourself

Think of this challenging time like a marathon; you need extra sustenance to keep yourself going. The following basic guidelines will help you keep up your strength as you support your loved one through depression treatment and recovery.

• Speak up for yourself. You may be hesitant to speak out when the depressed person in your life upsets you or lets you down. However, communicating will actually help the relationship in the long run. If you’re suffering in silence and letting resentment build, your loved one will pick up on these negative emotions and feel even worse. Gently talk about how you’re feeling before pent-up emotions make it too hard to communicate with sensitivity.
• Set boundaries. Of course you want to help, but you can only do so much. Your own health will suffer if you let your life be controlled by your loved one’s depression. You can’t be a caretaker round the clock without paying a psychological price. To avoid burnout and resentment, set clear limits on what you are willing and able to do. You are not your love one’s therapist, so don’t take on that responsibility.
• Stay on track with your own life. While some changes in your daily routine may be unavoidable while caring for your friend or relative, do your best to keep appointments and plans with friends. If your depressed loved one is unable to go on an outing or trip you had planned, ask a friend to join you instead.
• Seek support. You are NOT betraying your depressed relative or friend by turning to others for support. Joining a support group, talking to a counselor or clergyman, or confiding in a trusted friend will help you get through this tough time. You don’t need to go into detail about your loved one’s depression or betray confidences; instead focus on your emotions and what you are feeling. Make sure you can be totally honest with the person you turn to – no judging your emotions!

Related links for helping a depressed person

General information about helping a depressed person

Depression Wellness Guide – Download a PDF booklet for depressed people and their friends and family members. Understand what helps and what doesn’t, and how to monitor treatment and recovery. (Families for Depression Awareness)

Helping Someone with a Mood Disorder – Covers how to support a loved one through depression treatment and recovery. (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance)

Helping Someone Receive Treatment – What to do (and not to do) when trying to help a loved one get help for depression. (Families for Depression Awareness)

How to Help a Person with Depression – First-hand advice from someone who has suffered from depression on how family and friends can help. (Internet Mental Health)

Depression: Supporting a Family Member or Friend With Depression – How to help a loved one with depression through education, support, and self-care. (Mayo Clinic)

Depression and the family

Depression is a Family Matter – According to this article, while depression disrupts family life, families can be major forces of care, comfort, even cure. (Psychology Today)

Helping Someone Manage Depression – Tips on how families can work together to manage depression treatment. (Families for Depression Awareness)

Depression and Relationships: Living with a Depressed Person – Includes nine rules for living with a depressed person. (Uplift Program)

Action Strategies: Family and Depression – Offers strategies for helping a family member who is suffering from depression, as well as protecting the family. (Psychology Today)

Helping a suicidal person

How to Help Someone in Crisis – Advice on how to deal with a depression crisis, including situations where hospitalization is necessary. (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Suicide prevention telephone hotline funded by the U.S. government. Provides free, 24-hour assistance. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Melinda Smith, M.A., Suzanne Barston, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. contributed to this article. Last modified: December 2008.