Bonding with Your Baby: Parenting Advice for a Secure Attachment Bond

What is the attachment bond?

The attachment bond is the unique relationship between your baby and yourself as his or her primary caretaker. This instinctual bonding relationship draws the two of you together insuring that the needs of your helpless and vulnerable infant will be met. In the 90’s, an explosion of learning uncovered the fact that this unique relationship, the attachment bond, is a key factor in your infant’s social, emotional, intellectual and physical development.

The quality of the attachment bond varies. A secure bond provides your baby with an optimal foundation for life: eagerness to learn, healthy self-awareness, trust and consideration for others. An insecure attachment relationship, one that fails to meet an infant’s need for safety and understanding, leads to confusion about oneself and difficulties in learning and relating to others.

Myths and facts about bonding and secure attachment

Myth: “Secure attachment and love are the same thing.”

Fact: Bonding and attachment happen instinctively between mothers and babies, but, unfortunately, loving your baby doesn’t automatically result in secure attachment. Secure attachment develops from your ability to manage stress, respond to your baby’s cues, and successfully soothe your infant.

Myth: “I am having a hard time reading my baby’s signs and I can’t always figure out what my baby wants, so he or she must not be securely attached.”

Fact: It is not necessary to meet your baby’s needs one hundred percent of the time in order to develop a secure attachment bond – one third of the time or more is enough to lead to secure attachment. As you get to know your baby and your parenting experience grows, you should feel more confident about reading your baby’s cues and signals.

Myth: “Always responding to their needs makes babies spoiled.”

Fact: On the contrary, the more responsive you are to an infant’s needs, the less “spoiled” the baby will be as they get older. Bonding creates trust, and children with secure attachments tend to be more independent, not less.

Myth: “Secure attachment is impossible because I’m a working mother and can’t respond to my baby’s needs 24 hours a day.”

Fact: You do not have to be with your baby 24 hours a day to develop a secure attachment bond. What matters is maximizing the quality of the time that you do have, and ensuring that your baby has a caregiver who also realizes the importance of bonding and attachment.

Myth: Secure attachment is a one way process that focuses on accurately reading your babies cues.

Fact: Attachment is a two–way interactive process where your baby reads your cues as you read theirs.

Bonding begins before birth.

During the last trimester your baby is beginning to take in information about you and the world outside the womb. You can feel the baby's movements, and your baby can hear your voice and feel your stress too. It is important for you to feel relaxed and supported in order to make the most of bonding now and in the future.

The importance of bonding for secure attachment

The process of bonding with your baby is interactive and dynamic. Both you and your baby participate in an exchange of nonverbal cues. Even in the first days of life, your baby picks up on your cues—your tone of voice, your gestures and your emotions—and sends you signals by crying, cooing, mimicking facial expressions and eventually smiling, laughing, pointing, and even yelling too. In return, you watch and listen to your baby’s cries and sounds, respond to the cues and tend to their needs for food, warmth and affection. Secure attachment grows out of this nonverbal communication process between you and your baby.

Why the attachment bond is important

A secure attachment bond teaches your baby how to trust you, how to communicate about their feelings, and eventually how to trust others as well. As you and your baby bond, your baby learns how to have a healthy sense of self and how to be in a loving, empathetic relationship.

Secure bonding and attachment cause the parts of your baby’s brain responsible for interaction, communication and relationships to grow and develop. The attachment bond becomes the foundation of your child’s ability to connect with others in a healthy way. Qualities that you may take for granted in adult relationships like empathy, understanding, love, and the ability to be responsive to others are first learned in infancy.

When babies develop a secure attachment bond, they are better able to:

Develop fulfilling intimate relationships
Maintain emotional balance
Feel confident and good about themselves

Enjoy being with others
Rebound from disappointment and loss
Share their feelings and seek support

Bonding with your baby is good for you, too

Nature has programmed mothers as well as their infants to have a “falling in love” experience through attachment. The joy you experience as you connect with your infant goes a long way to relieve fatigue from lack of sleep and the stress of learning how to care for your baby. The bonding process releases endorphins in your body that motivate you, give you energy, and make you feel happy. Creating a secure attachment with your infant may take a little effort, but the rewards are huge for both of you.

Bonding with your baby starts with taking care of yourself

Babies need to be in a quiet and alert state in order to bond, and so do you. As hard as it may be, it is important to take care of yourself in order to enable bonding and attachment to occur.

Try to get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can make you cranky, listless and irritable. Some parents have found it helpful to trade night duty (on for two nights, off for two nights), or to have at least one morning a week to sleep late.
Ask for support around the house. Especially in the newborn stages, get as much help as you can from your spouse, family or friends.
Schedule some away time. Caring for a young infant is demanding, and taking some time away can help you parent more effectively. An hour in a coffee shop, a walk, a yoga class, or doing something you want to do can provide some perspective and renewed energy.

Finding ways to calm yourself in stressful times

Since babies can’t communicate verbally, they are especially attuned to signs of anxiety or stress. Babies need outside help to calm down. But an anxious caregiver can actually add to the baby’s stress, making him or her harder to soothe. If possible, when you are feeling stressed, try to find ways to calm down before you interact with your baby.

Take a deep breath. This may mean letting your baby cry a minute longer in the crib or swing so that you can take a deep breath before picking your baby up and trying to soothe.
Team up. Don’t think you have to do it all yourself. Try to enlist the help of your spouse, friends, family members or a babysitter to help hold or care for your baby during fussy times of the day.
Take a walk. Fresh air and a change of scenery can do wonders for you and your baby. During particularly stressful times, try making a change in environment and see if it helps you and your baby calm down.

Parenting tips for developing a secure attachment bond

Secure attachment doesn’t happen overnight. It is an ongoing partnership between you and your baby. As time goes on, it will become easier to understand the cries, interpret the signals and respond to your baby’s needs for food, rest, love, and comfort—try to be patient with yourself and your baby as you learn about each other.

Bonding with baby tip #1: Learn to understand your baby’s unique cues

As parents of several children know, there is no one simple formula for meeting a baby’s needs. From birth, each baby has a unique personality and preferences. Each baby’s nervous system is unique as well, some babies might be soothed by noise and activity whereas others might prefer calm and quiet. The key is to learn what your baby needs and respond to that.

Even though all of the sounds and the cries may sound the same at first, your baby is communicating with you in different ways. Your task is to become a “sensory detective” and find out what types of things your baby responds to:

Watch your baby’s facial expressions and body movements for clues about sensory needs.
Become familiar with the kinds of sounds your baby makes and what these sounds mean.
Note the kind of touch your baby enjoys and the amount of pressure that is experienced as enjoyable.
Pay attention to the kinds of movements and environments your baby enjoys.

Sometimes babies will be fussy no matter what you do, as when teething, sick or undergoing a big developmental change. When this happens, keep up your efforts to communicate with and soothe your baby. Your patience, love and care benefit your baby even if he or she continues to fuss.

Watch out for peer pressure from well meaning family and friends. What worked for their baby may not work for yours. By learning what it takes to calm and soothe your baby, you initiate trust, and your baby begins the process of learning how to self soothe.

Bonding with baby tip #2: Eating and sleeping provide important opportunities

Many of your baby’s early signs and signals are about their needs for food and proper rest. Increasing the frequency of feedings or adding in some extra time for rest where appropriate can make a big difference in your baby’s ability to engage and interact when awake.

Without proper rest, a baby cannot be calm and alert and ready to engage with you. Babies sleep a lot (often 16-18 hours a day in the first few months!), and your baby’s sleep signals will come more often than you might expect. Often, babies who are overtired act hyper-alert and move frenetically. You might mistake this energy for an invitation to engage, but really, it is your baby’s way of saying that naptime should have been 30 minutes ago.

Hunger will also be the cause of many early cues from your baby. Schedules are helpful, but growth spurts and developmental changes may cause your baby’s needs to change every few weeks so it is helpful to pay close attention to your baby’s unique signs and signals.

Bonding with baby tip #3: Talk, laugh, and play with your baby

The importance of having fun, playing with, holding and sharing happiness with your baby cannot be overstated. Smiles, laughter, touch and interaction are as important to a baby’s development as food or sleep. Your body language, tone of voice, and loving touch are all important ways of communicating with your baby.

Bonding with baby tip #3: Talk, laugh, and play with your baby When you see signs that your baby wants to play, try to relax and then enjoy exchanging smiles, funny faces and happy coos with your baby. Toys, books and music can provide a helpful starting point for play, but often all it takes is a game of peek-a-boo or a silly voice to invite your baby to interact. If you feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to play with your baby, keep trying! Any discomfort or embarrassment should go away when you experience the joys of interacting with your baby.

Bonding with baby tip #4: Let go of trying to be the “perfect” parent

You don’t have to be a perfect parent all of the time in order to bond with your baby. Just do your best, and don’t worry if you don’t always know what your baby wants. What makes attachment secure, rather than insecure, is the quality and responsiveness of the interaction with your baby.

Parenting is frequently touted as the hardest job you will ever do. It is amazing how one tiny being can be so much work. But no one is able to be fully present and attentive to an infant 24 hours a day. Every parent needs help and support in order to be relaxed, calm, and engaged.

One third of the time . . .

You might be wondering how in the world you can be pay such close attention to your baby and still tend to work, other children, errands and chores around the house. Relax… experts estimate that meeting your infants needs at least one third of the time is enough to support secure attachment.

Challenges that make bonding with your baby more difficult

Ideally, bonding progresses smoothly and a secure attachment develops. But if either you or your baby is dealing with a problem that interferes with your ability to relax and focus on one another, bonding and attachment can be delayed or interrupted.

Challenges in babies that can affect bonding and attachment

Most babies are born ready to connect to their caregivers. But sometimes, babies have problems that get in the way of bonding and secure attachment. These include:

Babies with compromised nervous systems
Babies who experienced problems in the womb or in delivery
Babies with health problems at birth or at a very early age

Premature babies who spent time in intensive care
Babies who were separated from their primary caretakers at birth
Babies who have experienced a series of caretakers.

The sooner more challenging problems are identified, the easier they are to correct. For help, you can turn to your pediatrician, an infant mental health specialist, or someone trained in early intervention.

If you are having a hard time bonding with your baby or your baby seems too upset to connect, see When Baby Won’t Stop Crying: How to Comfort and Soothe an Upset or Colicky Baby.

Challenges in parents that can affect bonding and attachment

Parents who themselves did not experience a secure attachment bond when they were babies may have trouble connecting with their babies. Challenges that can get in the way of your ability to bond with your baby include:

Depression, anxiety, or other emotional problems
Drug or alcohol problems
High levels of stress (from financial problems, lack of support, overwork, etc.)

An abusive, neglected, or chaotic childhood history
Living in an unsafe environment
Mainly negative memories of your own childhood experiences

Baby blues or postpartum depression?

Exhaustion, rapidly shifting hormones, and the challenges of new parenthood might make it difficult to bond with your baby. If you are feeling like you are just going through the motions, be patient with yourself and give yourself some time. However, if you find yourself feeling especially resentful or indifferent towards your baby, don’t try to “tough it out.” Get some help.

See Postpartum Depression: Signs, Symptoms, and Help for New Moms

Tips for Getting Better Sleep: Design a routine and plan that works with your individual needs

When Baby Won't Stop Crying:
How to Comfort and Soothe an Upset or Colicky Baby

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Topics

Bonding with Your Baby

Parenting Advice for Developing a Secure Attachment Bond

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